The Sermon
by Father Gene
Summary: This story is based on the post Paris storyline for Jane and Maura I introduced in my story a New Call. This story is a drama as opposed to a mystery and involves a family crisis that tests the strength of their relationship and Jane's faith.
1. Chapter 1

The Sermon

Chapter One

For Mother Jane Rizzoli-Isles preaching was her least favorite task, because it brought all of her internal anxieties and feelings of inadequacy to the surface and left her feeling like an emotional wreck. She didn't mind delivering the homily for the Saturday evening service in the chapel or the Sunday morning eight o'clock spoken Eucharist, for these were both small intimate affairs. Whereas being the homilist at the ten o'clock sung Eucharist, the main service of the morning was anything but a small affair with its five hundred people on average in attendance. Jane had never considered herself a good public speaker and in the past would do everything within her power to avoid the experience of having to stand in front of a crowd and give a speech. The fact was it had less to do with her skill as a public speaker than with her personal fear of being vulnerable. This became self evident as she started studying homiletics in seminary and actually began preaching, first in the seminary chapel and later as a deacon at Saint Bridget's. By the time she arrived at Saint Andrew's Mother Jane had literally delivered dozens of sermons, but still every time Canon Wells reminded her that she was the homilist for the next week the feeling was the same, terror. The funny thing was that people actually enjoyed Mother Jane's homilies. They were well constructed and showed that she spent a lot of time considering the readings for the day and were usually very topical to there lives. Now when Canon Wells preached he enjoyed explaining theological concepts and very intricate points of doctrine, but Jane focused on making the scriptures relevant for today. This doesn't mean that Jane didn't know her theology and doctrines and that she wouldn't occasionally delve into a discussion of the Trinity, yet Jane didn't relish the heady theological preaching of Canon Wells which seemed more an academic exercise than a practical unpacking of the scriptures. No for Jane her task was simple, explaining the scriptures in a way that spoke to the people here and now.

Jane cracked open her Bible to the gospel reading for the coming Sunday as she sipped her tea. She loved early Monday mornings like this, she had just finished the morning office and her workout and now she was going to figure out the topic and theme for her sermon. The plush sofa was covered with Jane's notes and several well worn commentaries that she had since seminary days. Jane was beginning to struggle with several temperamental phrases in ancient Greek when she heard Maura wake up and go into Alice's nursery. Maura came down a few minutes later "She wasn't hungry, so you'll have to feed her later." Jane set down her tea and cleared off a space for Maura on the sofa. "Don't worry Maura, I'll feed her before I drop her off at Ma's." Maura sat down and looked at Jane's notes and stack of bible commentaries, and her well worn English/Greek parallel Bible. She was impressed that Jane would take the time to work through her own translation of the scriptures she was preaching on. Even as a detective Jane was all about understanding people and this was no different, she was giving a voice to the author's of these ancient texts. "Gee, Jane it just occurred to me you're still a detective." Jane looked at Maura to determine if she was being serious or joking, and unclear after studying her face "Well if I'm still a detective, than this morning I must be Inspector Clouseau, because I have been looking at these readings for over an hour and I've got nothing." Maura laughed " can I see?" Jane handed her a copy of the lectionary readings and Maura began to study them and winced. " So, you can't change the readings? Because these are really depressing." Jane smiled at the suggestion, but as a lectionary based church she couldn't change the readings for Sunday, the same readings were to be used in all Episcopal Churches for that Sunday and that included Saint Andrew's. "No, unfortunately." Maura pouted as she went back to reading "Lamentations, that sounds promising!" Jane did her best shocked face "I'm shocked, the coroner who likes Lamentations, why am I not surprised?" Maura smiled as she stood up "are you ready for breakfast?" Jane stood up and dramatically raised her hand to her brow"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end." Maura laughed "Jane what are you doing? "I'm lamenting Maura, I'm lamenting." Maura continued to laugh at Jane's laments as she set the table. "Well bring your laments to the table or your breakfast will get cold."

Jane finished getting dressed, her Monday's off, were that one day of the week when a pair of jeans and an oversized sweatshirt were the welcomed uniform of the day. Jane took the bottle that Maura left for Alice and went to feed her before the short drive over to Angela's. Alice was very sleepy when Jane walked into the nursery and didn't rouse to the sound of her voice. Jane sat down next to her crib and readied the bottle, but as she reached into the crib to pick her up she noticed that Alice felt hot to the touch and her breath seemed laboured. Jane instantly realized that something was wrong with Alice. She reached for her phone and tried calling Maura, but it went to voice mail, pausing for a moment she looked through her contact list for Maura's sister, Cailin's phone number.

Cailin was coming on shift at Boston Children's Hospital in the Pediatric ICU where she was completing her second year of pediatric residency. She was in the residents on-call room and had just changed into her scrubs when she heard her phone's distinctive ringtone for Jane (Salve Regina from Sister Act). Cailin answered the phone and even before she could say hello she heard a frantic Jane " Cailin, something is wrong with Alice! She won't wake up and something is wrong with her breathing..." Cailin interjected "Jane is she running a fever?" Jane felt Alice "I think so." Cailin pulled on her lab coat "Jane, how fast can you get here? I'll meet you in the Emergency Department, just have me paged as soon as you get here." Jane quickly tried calling Maura again, but there still was no answer, so she left a voicemail telling her she was taking Alice to the emergency room. Jane hadn't driven this fast in years, but her high speed driving skills returned to her in an instant. Her Mini-Cooper was nimble and easily negotiated the narrow Boston streets. As she rounded the corner she noticed Alice wasn't moving and it looked like her lips were turning blue. Jane gunned the engine and as the tachometer almost red lined she shifted into fourth gear. Jane saw her goal approaching as the hospital entrance was at the end of the block. She dialed Cailin again "oh my God, she's not breathing!" Cailin was already in the Emergency Department "Jane, drive right up to the ambulance entrance!" Jane could hear Cailin yell to someone "call a pediatric emergency, I need a code team stat!" Jane screeched the car to a halt and lifted Alice's now limp body from her car seat and ran into the emergency room entrance. Cailin ran to her "give her to me! Give her to me now!" By now Jane was in tears "my baby, my baby, she's not breathing!" Cailin grabbed Alice from Jane's arms and began performing infant CPR as she ran toward a treatment room. Several nurses followed Cailin into the room and left Jane standing alone, in the hall. As Jane looked at the door the words of the psalm she had been reading but an hour before flooded into her mind "Out of the depths I cry to you, OH LORD." She fell to her knees, sobbing.

Jane sobbed for what seemed like an eternity, alone in her wrenching fear and sadness, until she felt a quiet human presence kneel down beside her. "Miss?" Jane looked over toward the voice, but her eyes were glazed and seemed to stare of towards a distant horizon. "My name is Father Nathaniel Walton, and I'm the hospital chaplain. Here, let me help you up, would you like to come with me? There is a consultation room down at the end of the hall, it's more private, and..." Jane hugged herself and shook her head "No, I can't leave my baby. She needs me, why can't I see her?" Father Walton sat down beside her "Okay, well I'll stay here with you if you'd like some company?" Jane just nodded. "What's her name?" Jane looked into the sympathetic eyes that were looking back at her. "Alice" the chaplain paused for a moment "she has a beautiful name, is it a family name?" Jane smiled for a very brief moment as a flash of a happier memory passed through her consciousness " no, actually my partner Maura, she suggested it, and I fell in love with it." He took in the information, "does Maura know you're here?" Jane realized that some time had passed and she still hadn't heard from Maura. " I left a voicemail when we were leaving to come, but she hasn't called back yet." The chaplain produced a handheld phone "would you like to try calling her again?" Jane nodded "She's probably still in her morning staff meeting, she's the chief coroner for the Commonwealth, Dr. Maura Isles." Father Walton hit the speed dial button for the coroner's office "Well I guess it's time to pull some rank and pull her out of her meeting."

After a long silence, the chaplain stood up "well one of the few perks you get as a hospital chaplain, is they give you one of these badges. I think it's time to use it, I'm going to find out what's going on, and see if I can get a doctor to come out and speak with us." As the chaplain went into the treatment room Jane slipped out her phone and sent a text to her mother. As she slipped her phone into her purse she began to cry again. Father Walton used well practiced skill to blow through the road blocks put up by the coroner's office to protect Maura from unsolicited calls, but the anguish in Maura's voice was hard for Jane to hear. She couldn't wait for her to get here, but at the same time how could she face her? What would Maura say to her? Jane knew this was her fault, she was entrusted with the care of their precious child and now, what, is she dying? "Jane?" She heard the chaplain as he walked down the hall towards her. "Jane, come with me, Dr. Martin wants to talk to you and explain what's going on."

Cailin was standing by the stretcher in the center of the examination room, she noticed a nurse was reading some equipment off to the side, and of course Alice was laying on the stretcher. The chaplain walked in with Jane and positioned himself to be able to catch her if she fainted. "Jane, her heart stopped and she wasn't breathing, but she responded to infant CPR and now she's breathing on her own, but she's very sick. I am suspecting that it is spinal meningitis, but to confirm I need to perform a test." Jane just nodded, as Cailin took out a grease pen and started sketching on the sheet that Alice lay on. "In order to confirm the diagnosis I need a sample of the fluid that surrounds the spinal column by performing a lumbar puncture which is commonly called a spinal tap." She quickly sketched the spine and showed how she would insert the needle. "Jane do I have your permission? We don't have time to wait for Maura, if it's bacterial I need to start treating immediately if she's to have any hope of survival." Jane nodded "You h a vee my permission, do what you need to do. I trust you." Jane and Father Walton stood outside the examination room, the nervous energy was palpable, Alice's screams filled the air as Cailin inserted the long needle into her spine. Jane slipped her rosary beads from her pocket and began to allow the beads to slip through her shaking fingers. Father Walton took his rosary out of his jacket pocket and joined Jane in reciting the ancient prayers. Alice continued to scream and Jane rushed toward the door. The chaplain stepped between her and the door "Jane, you can't go in yet. Come pray with me."

Maura came around the corner being led by a unit clerk, she immediately saw a devastated Jane standing in the hall with the chaplain and feared the worst. She immediately ran to Jane and hugged her "Is she..." Jane hugged her back "Cailin thinks it's spinal meningitis, she just did a lumbar puncture." Maura was surprised to hear that her younger sister was treating her daughter, but she concurred with her diagnosis. Cailin walked out of the examination room to find Jane. She was happy to her sister there as well. "Jane, Maura, I have the test results, it is bacterial spinal meningitis, we're going to admit Alice to the pediatric ICU.


	2. Chapter 2

The Sermon, Chapter Two "Trouble in the text"

A hospital at night can be a surreal place. The long periods of silence, and the dimmed lights that conspire to create a timeless quality which Jane mused was her own little foretaste of purgatory. Occasionally the silence would break to the sound of a laundry cart being pushed down the hall towards the Medical/Surgical units, or people standing by the vending machines outside the unit, fumbling for change so they might by a piece of candy to help them through a long monotonous graveyard shift. She couldn't cry anymore, at this point she was emotionally numb, especially after the meeting with the physicians. Cailin and her senior attending physician sat down with Jane and Maura as soon as they brought Alice into the ICU, " Dr. Isles, Reverend Rizzoli, I am Dr Debra Strohmann the director of the ICU and Dr. Martin's supervisor. I have reviewed her charting and the lab results from the lumbar puncture and have confirmed Dr. Martin's diagnosis of bacterial spinal meningitis. We have started antibiotics and are chilling her to bring down her core body temperature, in order to protect her brain and internal organs. We are both concerned about the fact that she stopped breathing for an indeterminate amount of time, and that her heart had stopped beating. There is a possibility of brain damage, but it is to early to tell." Cailin walked over to where Maura was sitting and keeled down so she was at eye level "Maura, if Alice's heart stops beating again, do you want me to try and resuscitate her?" Maura looked at Jane suddenly with pleading eyes as the terror of the words resoundingly echoed throughout her entire being. "Jane, I can't do this, not again! I can't go through another one of these conversations again." Jane held Maura and stroked her hair in a soothing gesture, then turned to face Cailin, "Maura and I are both legally Alice's parents. I adopted her at birth. I think I can safely speak for both of us, in that we want everything done for her, but if her heart stops again, let her go." Angela, had just walked through the door, and Jane's words landed on her like a punch thrown by a heavyweight champion. Her legs were like wet noodles, and stars flashed before her eyes. "Let her go!, OH MY GOD!" Was all she could muster to say as she collapsed to the floor.

Maura finally cried herself to sleep on a waiting room couch and Jane's mother had nodded off in a chair beside her. Jane walked out of the waiting room and over by the vending machines outside the unit. She needed to clear her head. The thoughts of what had happened since this morning kept flooding her psyche and the feelings of guilt and sorrow were nearly paralyzing. She looked at the coffee machine and mused to herself that no matter how desperate Maura might be for a cup of coffee she'd never drink one from this machine. She checked the pockets of her jeans to see if she had any coins, but nothing. "Miss? I can get you a cup of nurse coffee, if you don't mind coffee that's so thick you can patch your driveway with it." Jane turned to see a middle-aged woman with brown hair and glasses, she was wearing a blue A-line skirt, white blouse and had a kiippah pinned to the crown of her head. She was obviously a chaplain and her hospital badge confirmed it. "My name is Rachael, I am the chaplain to the pediatric unit, I don't think we've met?" Jane nodded "Jane, my name is Jane, and my daughter Alice, she's in the ICU and I'd love a cup of coffee." Rachael quickly produced a cup of coffee and they both sat down on some chairs by the elevators. "Oh this coffee is awful! It makes the coffee at the police precinct taste like it's from a gourmet coffeehouse. Thanks, it's just what I needed." Rachael studied Jane for a moment before speaking again "so Jane, are you a police officer?" Jane smiled as she took another sip of coffee. " I used to be, but that seems like a different life now. It was so long ago. No, actually I am an Episcopal priest, I am the new curate at Saint Andrew's." Rachael was surprised on hearing that Jane was an Episcopal priest, but then she noticed that Jane's sweatshirt was from Episcopal Divinity School, and that she was wearing a silver equal-arm cross necklace. She moved as if to stand up "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, if you'd like me to call your parish for you I would be happy to do..." Jane looked at the pleasant woman sitting beside her "no, I have already called the rectory, but please stay and talk with me, I could use a few minutes of company.

Rachael was a very experienced chaplain and quickly and deftly began to spiritually assess her companion. Jane opened up about the days events her fears and innermost feelings of guilt and shame about not catching Alice's illness earlier. She also worried that Maura would blame her if something happened to Alice. Jane took a long sip of the horrible coffee "Ugh, that's really bad, tell me you don't actually drink that!" Jane paused for a moment as Rachael just patiently waited for Jane to continue "when I walk into the ICU I can see all the nurses staring at me it's subtle, but I can still catch that condemning, judging look, as if to say we know what you did." Rachael looked at Jane "What did you do? What was so awful that it's unforgivable?" Jane rocked back in her chair at the words but Rachael continued "confession from what I understand is a sacred act in your tradition, beautiful actually, the idea of cleansing ones soul by honestly acknowledging ones faults and shortcomings to God and another human being. It reminds me of our sacred bath in the mikvah, to cleanse oneself of what makes one impure so they can stand in the presence of the Holy." Jane looked at Rachael "it's not what I did, but what I failed to do, I was trusted with protecting a life, my daughter's life and look at her, she's struggling to survive in an ICU. If I wasn't to busy writing my sermon, to busy to be with my own daughter, maybe she'd be home now, instead of dying here in some hospital." Rachael took in what Jane said "then I must've been mistaken, because I heard you saved her, by catching her fever, and racing her to the hospital. She needed her mom and you were there, now she still needs her mom, don't give up, because God hasn't, so neither should you."

Jane smiled as she sipped some more coffee "Uhh, I didn't think this coffee could get any worse, but lukewarm it's like dirty dishwater." She paused as she set the cup down and tried to get the burnt coffee taste out of her mouth. "This morning I was beginning to work on my sermon for this Sunday, the psalm I was working with was 130." Rachael nodded "yes, one of my favorites! From the depths have I called You, O Lord. O Lord harken to my voice; may Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications." Jane nodded " Yes that's the one. After today I feel I truly understand what the psalmist meant when he spoke of the depths." Rachael knew to keep silent and let Jane wrestle with God, So she just nodded attentively so Jane could see that Rachael was following her musings. "But the psalm also speaks of the Lord's steadfast love, yet I don't feel loved tonight." Jane started to cry as she said the words. Rachael ran through the original Hebrew version in her head, mumbling the words under her breath "Jane, you're jumping to the end of the psalm, but don't forget how the psalm speaks of hope! What does he say Jane, about hope?" Jane wracked her mind and her heart "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning." Rachael took Jane's hands in hers "Your translation speaks of steadfast love, while my translation speaks of kindness being with the Lord but both tell us to hope, tells our very souls to have hope because God loves us and is kind and forgives our shortcomings. Jane, you know God loves you and your child, so have hope." Jane hugged the woman who sat across from her "thanks, I think we were meant to cross paths tonight." Rachael smiled as she stood up. "May God watch over you this night."

Jane walked back into the waiting room and saw that her mother was still asleep but Maura was awake. "Jane, is everything okay?" Jane sat down on the floor beside the couch Maura was lying on. "Everything is fine, I was just talking with the chaplain." As Jane sat there she began to fondle the silver Tiffany cross that she was wearing. "Maura? Do you remember when you gave me this cross? Maura turned so she could see Jane "of course, how could I forget. Question is do you remember?" Jane looked at the cross for a moment "I don't really remember much about being in the ICU, the few times I would wake up they just ended up sedating me because of the pain, then of course I had the altered mental status because I was ICU sick. Yet through all that, I remember this one morning clearly. I was lying there in bed and I had just been extubated but my numbers were really bad and they were thinking of reintubating me again. I was scared, really scared because I knew what this meant, I wasn't going to make it. I saw you walk into the room, the wave of sadness that came over you as you looked at the monitor and saw the numbers. Yet, when you walked over to the my bed and sat by my side you were cheerful and told me about the first time you went to Tiffany's in New York with your mother and how years later that is still one of your fondest memories of your mother, and that every time you two have a difficult time you remember that trip and it gives you hope, and more Tiffany's. Then you took a little blue box from your purse. You know I never understood your love of packages until that moment, you opened that box so slowly and patiently and then you took out a beautiful Tiffany cross and blessed it with your tears as you put it on me. Then you told me to never give up hope." Jane looked over at Maura, "It was because of your love that I never gave up hope, and I still wear this cross because it reminds me of the power of that hope. Maura, I won't give up having hope that Alice will be okay."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three "Trouble in the World"

Maura was sitting alone in the rocking chair beside Alice's crib in the pediatric ICU. Like every other mother who had ever sat in that chair she found herself staring at the monitor displaying Alice's vital signs. As a physician, Maura knew not to become fixated on every change up or down in regards to her numbers, but still she found she couldn't help herself. She was hoping to see some meaningful change, that number that would point the way to her recovery. Jane had just left, so this was her first moment alone with Alice, that is if one can consider being surrounded by an ICU staff really being alone. Maura did the only thing she could do, she kept talking to Alice, letting her know she was there by her side. She could hear Angela as she stopped by the nurses station and then proceeded toward the corner of the unit where Maura was seated. "I ran by the coffee shop and got you a coffee and a blueberry muffin, because you need to eat something." Maura took the coffee and bag with the muffin from Angela. "Thank you. From what Jane was saying the coffee here is pretty bad." Angela looked around for another chair and quickly found one and sat down. "So where's Janie?" Maura sipped some coffee "Oh, it's still to hot. Jane ran back to the house and is going to get cleaned up, then she's stopping by Saint Andrew's before coming back. After she comes back I'm going to go home for a few hours so I can take care of some work from my home office, then get cleaned up and come back." Angela just looked at Maura "Can't someone else take care of things for you at work? I mean your little girl is sick, how can you be stuck up in an office answering emails. And why can't Janie take off a few days? You two seem to put everything and everyone else before yourselves, now don't do the same thing to Alice." Maura was in stunned silence, the words cut her to the quick, because they confirmed the feelings of guilt that ached deep in her heart. Angela realized her words went to far as soon as she said them. "Oh Maura, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." Maura stood up "No, you're right, this is my fault! I'm a doctor, if I wasn't so busy I would've caught this, but I missed it and I missed Jane's calls because I was to busy. The hospital chaplain had to have me pulled out of a meeting, I thought she was dead!" Angela hugged Maura "Now you listen to me Maura, this is not your fault, you're a doctor, not God! You're a good Mom and your little girl needs you, that's all I'm saying." Maura hugged Angela back " I already called Kent, he's going to handle the caseload for the next few days, but the few things I need to look at as chief coroner he's emailing. As far as Jane goes, there was one meeting she couldn't get coverage for, but Canon Wells is filling in for her where he can." Angela was about to say something when Maura noticed her sister walking towards them.

Cailin saw Maura and Angela standing by Alice's crib "good morning Maura, Angela, how's are patient this morning?" Cailin Martin was rapidly becoming a first rate pediatrician and Maura secretly was relieved that Cailin was part of the treatment team. She went over to Alice and immediately began her exam. "Okay, I like what I'm seeing here. It appears that the antibiotics are beginning to have an affect, so I am going to ask respiratory therapy to wean her off the vent so we can try to extubate her later today." Maura walked over to stand beside Cailin. "Do you think there will be any lasting effects?" Cailin paused a moment as if choosing her words well " Well her heart is strong, and her blood oxygen levels are good. She seems responsive so it gives me hope, because she came right back when I started CPR, so I am not as concerned about possible lasting injury from when she coded as I was yesterday. Still, it's early and we're going to have to observe her over the next few days before we will know for sure. Sorry, I wish I could tell you something more definitive, more optimistic." Maura smiled "Thank you Cailin, twenty to thirty percent of babies die from a diagnosis like this, so I'm thankful for what you're doing, Really, I am. So how long until we know about the potential disabilities from the meningitis, the ones which may result from damage to the nervous system? Such as sensorineural hearing loss, epilepsy, learning and behavioral difficulties, as well as possible decreased intelligence?" Cailin just looked at her sister "We'll know over the next few days, I have to get her back to a baseline before I can assess." Cailin held at her arms to hug her sister and Maura fell into her arms "Maura I'm going to do everything I can, I promise. Mom wanted me to tell you she's going to stop by tonight, but she said if you need anything you're to call her immediately." Maura nodded "Cailin looked at her "and you know you can always call me, I'm your sister first, then your doctor." Maura nodded "I know, thank you." Maura sat beside Alice's crib as the next few hours passed by. The respiratory therapists came by several times and adjusted the vent settings but besides that, nothing changed the well oiled routine of the Pediatric ICU.

Jane got off the elevator outside the ICU doors. As she walked by the waiting room she could see her mother sitting by herself. "Hey Ma, what are you doing in here all by yourself? "Oh Janie, I'm so sorry." Jane dropped the bags of food she was carrying " Ma, what happened? Where's Maura?" Angela stood up as she saw Jane drop the bags "I said something to her this morning that I shouldn't have said, and now we haven't spoken since." Jane's heart was racing and she could feel her muscles tense "Where is she now?" Angela realized she just upset her daughter. "She's in the ICU by Alice." Jane tried to catch her breath "Okay, let me go talk to her, I brought lunch." Jane just spun on he heels and walked out of the waiting room and into the ICU.

Maura saw Jane come into the ICU and stop at the nurses station. She was wearing a black suit and black clerical shirt with her white clerical dog collar as she was coming directly from Saint Andrew's. Jane ran over to where Maura was standing and gave her a hug and quick kiss. "Hi, I picked up lunch on the way over, it's out in the waiting you heard anything yet?" Maura turned away from Jane and back toward Alice lying in her crib, "Cailin was by earlier, she's hoping to extubate her later today. She feels the antibiotics are working, but she said it's to early to know if there are any potential disabilities as result of the meningitis." Jane walked up beside her "I'm worried to you know, but I refuse to give up hope, that we will ultimately get through this." Maura looked over at Jane "I don't know if I share your optimism, this has the potential to be very bad, and when you take into consideration the possibility that she could have serious cognitive impairment that's life changing. No I'm not feeling hopeful today, no all I'm feeling at this point is despair. Jane? Do you think this could be our fault? Are we bad parents, I mean did this really happen because we're to busy for our child? That's what your mother said." Jane looked into Maura's tear filled hazel eyes "no, absolutely not, I..." Maura continued as if unfazed by Jane's words "I'm done! I can't face another tragedy, it's bad enough that I ruined your life. It's bad enough you were crippled because of me, and my Irish mob father, but now my daughter! How bad of person am I?" Jane quickly moved to hug Maura as she burst into tears, but Maura pushed her away. "Get away! I'm done! I can't take this anymore." Maura dropped to her knees in tears, and Jane noticed several of the nurses moving in her direction. "Maura, it's going to be okay. Why don't..." Maura glared at Jane "Okay? Really Jane? Your daughter may die and that is all you can say? Okay? Are things going to be okay because you prayed to God? Really Jane? Well on most days I don't believe in your God, and on the days I do, I feel he's anything but a loving God " Maura stood up so she was facing Jane "How can you serve a God who would allow such suffering? How can you serve a God that can be this indifferent to the suffering of your own child? At best if your God exists he's some capricious force of nature, but I think if he exists, and is okay with this, then he's a force of evil who enjoys this." Jane had a look of shock on her face "Oh don't be so shocked. Pious Mother Jane, servant of God, I don't believe in your God and I don't want to hear about your hope, and I can't stand it that you're so delusional to believe in such a terrible thing as this God" The nurses were standing beside Jane and Maura. Jane choked back a tear. " Maura, I'm going to go now." Jane walked over to Alice's crib and smiled at her daughter as she said goodbye. Then she turned to leave the ICU. "Sure, leave me, abandon me! Just like your God ." Jane turned to Maura "Maura, get a grip! I didn't come here to fight with you, but you have crossed a line and I'm hurt. I'm leaving now because I don't want to say something to you in anger that I really don't mean. Sorry, but I just need to leave. Goodbye." With that Jane stormed from the ICU, and Angela stared on from the waiting room in horror.

Jane drove aimlessly for hours until finally she decided to go to Saint Andrew's. She went directly to her office, not wanting to be seen by or talk with anyone. Jane looked at her phone and could see there were multiple phone messages from her mother and one from her brother Frankie, but nothing from Maura. Jane sat down on her couch and for a brief moment began to wonder if she just experienced the end of her marriage. Suddenly there was a knock at her door, and she could hear the voice of Canon Wells "Mother Jane are you in there?" She stood up and walked to the door and opened it. "Thank goodness Mother, your family is worried is sick about you." Jane looked down at the floor "I'm sorry Canon, I just needed some time to myself. I will call them in a few minutes. "Well you had better start with your brother, he said something about issuing a BOLO for you. Would you like to talk?" Jane nodded and invited the Canon into her office and motioned for him to sit down. Jane resumed her place on the couch "Maura and I had a horrible argument. I don't know what happened or what to think. I feel attacked and I'm not sure if things can ever be the same after this." Canon Wells waited to see if Jane would say more but then when all was silence "Mother, I'm not sure exactly what happened between you two, or what was said, but I know you, and I know Maura and most of all I know the strain this illness has put you two under. So, I would council you to chalk up her remarks to the extreme stress she's under. She's hurting, and the feelings came out in a big explosion, but I'd wager it has more to do with the situation than her feelings about you." Jane thought about what Maura had said "she said that she doesn't feel hopeful and at this point she only feels despair." Canon Wells nodded knowingly "Jane have you ever read anything by Viktor Frankl? He was a psychoanalyst and concentration camp survivor. Well anyway, he described despair as meaningless suffering, he even had a formula D=S-M or Despair equals Suffering minus Meaning. So what Maura is telling you is she is beyond hope, because to have hope one must be able to see meaning in their existence. Despair is the mortal enemy of hope. " Jane was at a loss for words, finally saying "So if she is beyond hope what can I do? Does she need a psychologist, or medication?" Canon Wells shook his head "No, not necessarily, despair is first and foremost a spiritual crisis. No you have to help her find some type of meaning. As a Christian you have faith in God, his existence and the experience of his essential goodness. Our faith is strengthened throughout by God's love both here on Earth and the ultimate experience of this love in heaven. Hope is the lived experience of this love. So Jane if your faith is what gives your life meaning, then what gives Maura's life it's meaning?"

Jane's phone started to ring again, she looked at the screen and saw that it was her mother, "I better take this." Canon Wells stood up "Your in my prayers Mother." Jane picked up the phone "Ma, slow down. What do you mean Maura is missing? Okay, I'm heading back to the hospital, just stay there. And tell Frankie to lift the BOLO..." Jane quickly tried Maura's phone, but there was no answer.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four "Grace in the Text"

Maura, walked into the hospital chapel, it was dark, and the silence was thick and palpable. Her soul craved silence. Compared to the sanctuary at Saint Andrew's the little hospital chapel was stark and barren, which resonated with how she felt at that moment. She walked past the empty pews to the chancel, the communion table had a simple linen runner with a candle on it. To the right of the table was a lectern that held a journal where visitors could leave prayer requests. Maura paused and looked through the journal at some of the prayers it contained, prayers for healing, and for those about to die, prayers of thanksgiving, and memorials for the departed. After a few minutes she picked up the book and went to sit down in one of the empty pews. She reached into her purse and produced a pen, after a few minutes of thought she hesitated then began to write.

Dear God,

I've never done this before, I am not even sure how to address you, should I use all your titles like when I write to the governor, or should I call you father? I must confess that doesn't feel as confronting as you'd think it would be. My adopted father and I have had a cold distant relationship since I found out about his affair, and my birth father is a criminal. Well on that note, I guess I'll just stick with God.

Well one of the great things about you being omnipotent is that you already know how bad of a person I am, how bad of a mother I've been to my daughter and how bad of a wife I've been to Jane. Oh I really have made a mess of things! How could I have said those horrible things to her?

I know I said some horrible things to you to, but I'm mad at you!

My daughter doesn't deserve this by the way. What has she ever done to you?

If you're mad at me then punish me, not her.

If you're not mad at me, then why?

My life has been filled with suffering so you can't blame me for thinking you might just be a little angry. No? Then why all the suffering?

Because is not an answer!

Okay,you need to forgive me, I'm really new at this God thing, probably tomorrow morning I'll be back to not believing in you again, but I really want to understand, why suffering?

So, you're saying it's not because you're mad at me. It's not like when I was a kid and I didn't clean my room, so my mom wouldn't let me watch T.V.? Hmmmm you do realize that a lot of people seem to go with this cause and effect idea? Okay I'll bite, so what are you saying, is it the world?

That's it, the world itself is bad!

What that? Oh, how do I explain all the good things in the world?

Hmmmm, there is beauty, knowledge, truth, and love, how could I forget the joy of being loved!

So there is good and bad in the world. Okay so, what we're talking about really is the nature of evil.

Time to dish! Why are you tolerating evil if that is the cause of so much suffering?

Okay so the world is essentially good. I get that, but evil exists, it's almost as if evil is like a cancer cell that attacks all the good cells around it and eventually destroys the good.

What? I got it?

So when evil occurs... that's the cause of suffering.

And evil is the byproduct of a fallen world, not that you're angry.

But why not stop it?

Oh, the fix, it's in process. Good to know. Can you speed it up please?

What? Oh I don't have any hope anymore. If suffering gives rise to hope then I've failed.

Why? Glad you asked, I can't grasp how a truly good person can be allowed to suffer.

No not me, I'm not a good person, remember what I did upstairs? A good person wouldn't do that to someone who loves her.

Don't be so hard on yourself? Well that's easy for you to say, you didn't just destroy the most significant relationship in your life!

Who then? Forget,the saints, how about Jane? How come you abandoned her, let her suffer, when she was shot and her life was destroyed? She really suffered.

Who says you abandoned her?

Well I say!

Okay I'll give you that she lived, I guess I have to give you that one.

You're welcome.

But she had a career, and she was happy!

Well yes, she's very happy now.

What's the problem?

Oh you want the real problem...

She was shot because of me. So, by your logic I'm evil.

There I said it, Maura Isles is evil! There are you happy?

No

You're not happy?

Why?

Oh,because I'm ducking my real feelings.

I watched her suffer and I was afraid. She saved me but I couldn't do anything to save her.

I don't want to feel that way again...afraid.

But you already knew the answer didn't you, I've never had a day that I have not been afraid since that day.

I live in fear.

So, you're right we need to address my suffering, my despair.

But,

I guess she hates me now?

Jane was looking for the Chaplains office, to see if someone had seen Maura when she walked past the open chapel door and saw Maura sitting there alone, in the dark. Jane walked into the chapel and silently sat down beside her. Maura felt her heart leap into her throat. What was Jane going to say? Jane slid her hand over to Maura's and took her hand into her own. "Maura, I shouldn't have walked out, I'm sorry, I know you were hurt and upset and my leaving like that, just added to your despair. I love you Maura, you have always been there for me, and I will always be there for you and Alice." Maura wrote the final words to her prayer, and then set the journal down. "Jane I've been suffering ever since you were shot. I'm afraid, so afraid! It never goes away, it's always there! Sometimes it's in the background but other times it rises to the forefront, but I've never had a day without fear since that moment I saw the life drained away from your face as that bullet ripped through you. And I blame myself for what happened to you. If it wasn't for me this wouldn't have happened to you." Jane turned on the pew so she was looking directly at Maura "I stepped in front of that bullet out of love, it was my choice, and I'd do it again because that's how strong my love is for you. But Maura? There's one thing you said, I have to ask you." Maura could hear the trepidation in Jane's voice as she continued "You said I was crippled. Is that really how you see me?" Maura could hear the pain in Jane's voice as she said those words "Jane, no! I shouldn't have said that, but I feel responsible for what happened to you, and guilty for what you lost." Maura through her arms around Jane, "You know I love you?" Jane nodded and kissed her. "Maura my life changed in a good way, you have nothing to feel guilty about. I love my life with you."

"So, Maura are we okay? Because we should go back upstairs before Ma has Frankie call out the National Guard." Maura smiled, "okay just give me a moment..." Maura picked up the journal and turned back to her prayer.

I guess I owe you an apology and a thank you.

So your answer to evil is to find the good. So when you say I should have hope, you're telling me to look beyond the evil and find the good and place my trust there.

And to be open to the possibilities, because that good may not be what I expect it to be.

Thank you!

Amen

Maura put the book back on the lectern, smiled and turned towards the door. Jane looked quizzical as she noticed the smile on Maura's face. "What?" Maura laughed "I was just talking with your boss, that's all."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five "Grace in the World"

Jane finished drying the breakfast dishes, and then sat down to sort through several days of unopened mail. This was the first night they had bspen at home since Alice was hospitalized on Monday morning. She could hear that Maura was still on the phone with Constance and rightly assumed that the call would go on for a while longer. Jane eventually started browsing through a new church supply catalog from her favorite shop in Maine. Maura walked out into the kitchen "Yes mother, we can't wait to see you. No, you don't need to worry about a car, Jane will be there to pick you up." Jane's looked up at Maura, who just shook her head and rolled her eyes, while Jane just smiled. "Okay, goodbye mother." Maura hung up the phone "Jane, my mother is flying in tomorrow. You need to pick her up at Logan." Jane just smiled as she continued to look through her catalog "okay, so I guess you told her Alice is in the hospital?" Maura nodded "yes, at which point she insisted on flying in immediately. So, can you pick her up?" Jane nodded "send me her flight information." Maura poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down next to Jane. "So, what are you looking at?" Jane turned the catalog so Maura could see it "I need to freshen up my wardrobe." Maura looked at the catalog pictures of clerical shirts and cassocks for a moment "Jane? You do realize most people don't consider CM Almy to be a major fashion house! I mean have you thought about Chanel?" Jane loved the good natured prodding from Maura, it was a glimmer of normalcy in the midst of what had been an abnormal week. "Last time I looked Chanel didn't have clerics." Maura laughed, "I was thinking a Chanel suit." Jane looked quizzical "are we still talking my work wardrobe? Because I was just going to order a few shirts and collars, I didn't think I was dressing for a night at the opera." Maura was shocked "Jane you would never wear a Chanel suit to the opera! Now a Chanel evening gown..." Jane closed her catalog "Maura, is this sudden interest in my wardrobe because Constance is coming? I'm assuming you're planning that we're going out to dinner, the theatre maybe?" Maura laughed "Well, you know we can't just take my mother to the Dirty Robber." Jane just shook her head "Maura, you don't have to try and impress your mother, she's already impressed with you. Besides, she likes the fries at the Robber!" They both turned to look at the sound of the kitchen door opening.

"Hello? Jane, Maura?" It was Angela's voice resounding from the kitchen. "Jane, I don't think I'm ready to face her. I'm sorry, but not right now." Jane reached over and touched her hand and smiled "It'll be okay. Ma, we're in here!" It was obvious that Angela was just as nervous as Maura was, because she procrastinated putting stuff away in the kitchen, which just added to Maura's uneasiness. Finally Jane got up and walked into the kitchen and began speaking to her mother in a hushed voice. "What are you doing? Are you trying to give Maura a nervous breakdown? You need to get in that dining room right now and apologize for calling her a bad parent!" Angela looked at Jane as she finished folding a market bag, and tried to choke back tears "Janie, I didn't mean to hurt Maura, you gotta believe me. I would never call her a bad mother." Jane pointed at the door to the dining room "good, now get in there tell her! You know she thinks of you like a mother, so you need to fix this. Now, go fix!"

Angela walked into the dining room, Maura was standing there, she looked hurt and afraid. "Ohh Maura, I'm so sorry!" Angela said as she ran to throw her arms around Maura and give her a big hug. "I never ever meant to imply that you are a bad parent. I love you. You're my second daughter, I'd never hurt you like that. Please forgive me!" Maura who by now had broke into tears hugged Angela back, "no, no, you're right it's my fault that..." Angela cut her off " Stop it Maura! I was wrong, I said something stupid because I was upset. You're a good, loving parent, and none of this is your fault." Maura nodded in agreement and hugged Angela "thank you, I love you to, and of course I forgive you." Jane cracked the door open to the dining room, "Is it safe, to come in?" Maura pulled Jane through the door and hugged her, "yes it's safe." Jane kissed her on the cheek. "I'm glad. Now we have to get going if we're going to get over to the hospital in time for the meeting with Cailin." Maura looked at the clock "Well you better get going if your going to stop at the church first. Jane kissed Maura goodbye, "I'll see you soon."

Maura poured a cup of coffee for Angela. "So what are you and Jane meeting with Cailin about?" Maura set down the coffee pot "Cailin, has run some tests on Alice, to see if there is any lasting defects from the meningitis, so we're going to go over the results. I was hoping you would come." Angela nodded in agreement "I'd be happy to." Maura smiled "I have been thinking over the past few days, concerning what you said about not having time to be with Alice. Part of the reason it was so upsetting is that I already knew it was true. My work, as Chief Coroner for the Commonwealth, it takes all my time and it leaves no time for Alice or for that matter Jane. I want to change that." Angela was shocked, what was Maura saying? She lived for her work. "Maura,what do you mean when you say that you want to change that?" Maura paused and smiled, "I haven't thought that far ahead, other than I know I will step down, and soon, as coroner. Before Jane was shot I had seriously thought about writing, but with everything that occurred I never pursued it. Maybe now is the time? The main thing though is spending time with my daughter, I don't want Alice to have the same relationship with me that I have with Constance. Instead, I want to have the same kind of relationship with Alice that you have with Jane. That's my goal." Angela squeezed Maura's hand "I am so happy, I have worried for years about both of you spending so much time at work that you have no time for everything else in your life." Maura looked at Angela "don't be upset with me, but I don't know if I would want to stay in Boston. I want Alice to have a great childhood and maybe Boston is not the ideal place, I don't know? Maybe the country, the seaside I haven't even talked to Jane yet, but..." Angela nodded " why would I be upset? You're trying to do what's best for your family, you're a mom! I think it's time for you to talk to Jane, because you're both in this together." Maura looked at the time "we had better get going. Angela, you're part of my family, and if we ever moved, there would be a place in our home for you."

Jane walked into Saint Andrew's and found Canon Wells in his office, sitting at his desk. "Ahh, Mother Jane, good of you to come. How is your daughter doing?" Jane sat down in one of the chairs in front of the Canon's desk, and tried to choke back the feeling that she had been called to the principal's office. "She's doing much better, thank you. In fact Maura and I are meeting with her doctor in a little while over at the hospital." Canon Wells nodded in understanding "Well, let me get straight to the point, the bishop suffragan asked me to speak with you." Jane could feel the lump in her throat, "the bishop? What did I do?" Canon Wells immediately continued "It seems your name came up in a conversation with the bishop. The Boston Police Department, approached her about the appointment of a new police chaplain, seems the current chaplain has put in for his pension, and well in the course of the conversation they also suggested you as a candidate they'd be keen on for the position. So she is agreeable to putting your name forward for the position if you want it. So, the question is, do you want it?" Jane was floored, this was the last thing she expected to hear when she walked into Canon Wells office. "I am shocked." Canon Wells pushed a folder across to her "why are you shocked? By all accounts you were a dam fine cop, and you're an excellent priest, one I'd really hate to loose. So of course they want you. All the information on the position is in here." Jane picked up the folder and glanced at the job description "When do you need my answer?" Canon Wells stood up as if to signal the meeting was over "Monday afternoon at the latest."

Jane put the folder in her backpack as she headed for her car. She had just enough time to make it to the hospital for their meeting with Cailin. Her car navigated the side streets of Boston with ease and she soon found herself in the hospital parking garage. Jane quickly made her way to the elevator that would take her to the pediatric ICU. As she walked onto the unit she saw that Maura and her mother had already arrived. Jane set her backpack down next to Maura's tote bag and kissed her cheek. Cailin walked onto the unit and immediately ushered them into a conference room. "Jane, Maura, Angela let me begin by saying the regimen of antibiotics has proven to be successful and I think we can plan on discharging Alice over the weekend, Monday at the latest. I am seeing no damage to the heart or lungs, kidney output is normal, nor based on our testing, are we seeing any signs of cognitive impairment, but we have discovered signs of significant hearing loss. I'm sorry." Jane immediately chimed in "Cailin, what do you mean by significant?" Cailin nodded " I'm really sorry Jane, but based on the preliminary test results, we're looking at a near total loss of hearing..." Cailin continued to discuss follow up studies and referrals to specialists but all Jane continued to hear was that horrible phrase "total loss of hearing."

It was later that afternoon when they arrived back home. Angela insisted on making dinner, so Jane and Maura finally had a few minutes alone, where they could sit and be together. "Jane I have been thinking, I want to resign my position as chief coroner, so I can be home with Alice. It's something I have been considering since she was born. I just wasn't sure about whether cutting back or stepping down was the way to go or how it would work, but now with Alice losing her hearing I can't see myself not being here for her." Jane looked at Maura "If you're sure that is what you want to do, then who am I to say no." Maura looked down "I must confess it's not how I imagined it. I had this romantic idea of us living in some quaint parsonage next to an ancient church in some little New England village by the sea. I would write my novels, and keep a little medical practice, and just enjoy watching Alice grow up." Jane smiled "I love that dream. If that's what you want, then what's stopping us?" Maura thought for a moment "practically Alice is going to need a lot of care and the best doctors and schools are going to be here in Boston. Besides I can still write a novel in Beacon Hill, and Hope will always have a spot for me in her practice." Jane leaned over and kissed Maura. "Don't be to quick to give up on your dreams. Alice deserves a wonderful childhood and that's why we need to hold on to those dreams now more than ever." Maura smiled. "So what did Canon Wells want?" Jane looked away "Nothing really. The bishop suffragan has passed along an opportunity, that she wants me to consider, but I'm not going to accept it." Maura, looked into Jane's eyes "You don't just say no to a request from the bishop. So if she wants you to consider a position, then you should consider it. So what is it?" Jane paused for a few moments before saying "Protestant Chaplain to the Boston Police Department. It is a staff position with the police commissioner, and it would probably mean leaving Saint Andrew's and being reassigned to the cathedral as a priest in residence so I'm not sure if it's something I am meant to do." Maura smiled as she thought back to her prayer several nights ago. "Jane I think you really need to consider it. You'd be back with BPD, that was so important to you, and now to have this chance to go back, you need to at least consider it. Besides this may be exactly what you're meant to do! You're a former police officer, who better to become a chaplain?" Jane smiled and Maura kissed her "don't give up on your dreams because of me." Jane hugged Maura "you and Alice are my dreams. As long as we're together I'm happy, but I will consider it."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six "assembling the pages of the sermon"

Watching Maura make coffee was one of the highlights of Jane's morning. Maura obsessed about making the perfect cup of coffee. She would search out the right blend of shade grown beans that were perfectly roasted by a certified organic fair trade roaster, then she would obsess on grinding the beans by hand only to load the coffee into a machine that Jane swore could qualify as an instrument of torture. Jane loved teasing Maura about this little obsession of hers, she called this time, her coffee porn. So Jane was happy to see Maura making coffee when she walked into the kitchen, it spoke of things returning to normal. Despite the fact that the normal thing for her to do at this point would be to crack a joke about Maura's coffee obsession, Jane just came up behind her and put her arms around her and kissed her neck. Maura spun around and hugged Jane and returned the kiss letting her lips linger on Jane's for just an extra moment. "Good morning." Maura smiled "I guess you're ready for some coffee." Jane laughed and reached into the cupboard and produced two mugs. Maura took the coffee pot and sat down at the kitchen table. Jane set the mugs down beside the pot and sat down as well. Maura smiled as she poured the coffee "I really think you're going to like this I had the beans roasted to order as a medium roast. They're shade grown, Rainforest Alliance Certified, single origin coffee from Panama. The coffee should have a rich body, balanced acidity, and sweet cocoa, vanilla and nutty tones. Jane took a sip of the coffee, "well Maura, as usual you've outdone yourself, you are the coffee pornstar extraordinaire!" Maura was pleased "I'm glad you like it. So Jane, please don't forget, you're supposed to pick up my mother at Logan." Jane took a few more sips of coffee "I remember. I'll be over there in plenty of time, so you needn't worry." Maura smiled "Thank you. Do you want to take my car?" Jane finished her coffee "no that's okay, It'll be fine." Maura looked quizzical "but Jane your car is so small, how are you going to fit all her luggage in there?" Jane smiled as she stood up "when said I'm taking my car? Canon Wells said I can borrow the church van." Maura nearly dropped her mug of coffee "you're not seriously thinking about picking my mother up in the church van?" Jane laughed "why not? I used to pick her up in a squad car." Maura just sat there with a blank look, that masked her horror. "Jane? Please tell me you're kidding me." Jane smiled and kissed her, "Don't worry, I am picking her up in my car. I am going to put the backseat down so there is plenty of room, and I am even taking my car to the carwash before I pick her up." Maura exhaled in relief. "Thank God, I actually thought you lost it for a second. Though, watching Constance try an pull herself up into the cab of the 'gray lady' would be something to behold. Does that van even have air conditioning?" Jane smiled, and quickly replied " sure it does, it comes equipped with 255 air conditioning." Maura looked at Jane "255 air conditioning?" Jane leaned over to kiss her goodbye "255 air conditioning, 2 open windows at 55 miles an hour. I'll call you after I pick her up." Maura laughed, and the image of Constance and 255 air conditioning amused her for the rest of the morning.

Maura parked her car and walked into the hospital to visit Alice. She paused in the lobby to buy two coffees at the kiosk before proceeding to the bank of elevators for the trip up to the pediatric ICU. She stepped off the elevator to already find Angela standing there. Angela spied Maura immediately and came right over to her ,"good morning Angela, I bought a coffee for you." Angela accepted the cup of steaming hot liquid "Thank you Maura. I went in to see Alice but she's not there. The nurses said her doctor ordered some new tests." Maura was surprised at this new news "That's strange, I'm sure Cailin would have called, if something was wrong." Maura went to the nurses station in order to find Alice's nurse. "Excuse me, can someone help me? I am trying to find where they've taken Alice Rizzoli-Isles to." One of the nurses immediately walked over to her "Hello Dr. Isles, is your partner with you?" Maura was beginning to get really concerned. "Is something wrong with Alice?" "No, not at all! Dr. Martin ordered some new tests this morning and said she was going to want to speak with you and your partner as soon as you arrived." Maura obviously looked confused, what could Cailin be testing for? She had already ordered all the standard tests, and made the proper referrals, so what was she looking for? "Jane is picking my mother up at the airport, then she'll be coming here." The nurse nodded "Okay, I'll let Dr. Martin know." Maura took out her mobile phone and called Jane.

Jane was pulling into the entrance to Logan when she heard the melodious tone of Chopin's funeral march echo across her phone. Jane hit the button for the hands free device and answered the call. "Hi Maura!" Before she could say anything else Maura began speaking and Jane quickly noted the sound of uneasiness in her voice. "Jane, where are you now?" Jane made the turn toward the terminal building " I'm at Logan, and I'm pulling into arrival parking now. Is everything okay?" There was a distinct pause " Cailin has ordered a new series of tests for Alice, and wants to meet with us as soon as you can get here." A thousand thoughts raced through her mind "Maura, did something happen to her, should I..." Maura quickly cut her off "No, they would have told me if something happened, but it's just odd that she ordered all these new tests and wants to meet. Just, come directly to the hospital after you pick up Constance." Jane paused as she whipped into a parking spot. " Okay Maura, her plane has landed, so we should be there soon." Jane thought about calling Cailin as she walked into the terminal to find Constance, but decided against it. Saying to herself that she would have called if something bad had happened. It took a few minutes but she eventually saw Constance coming down the escalator from Customs. Jane waved so that Constance would notice her as she continued down the escalator toward the exit from the security zone. Constance Isles stepped off the escalator and proceeded to the area where she could collect her checked bags. As she walked past the throng of people standing outside the rope line she saw the easily recognizable figure of her daughter in law waiving to get her attention. "Constance, here let me help you with your bags." Constance set her bags down and Jane loaded them onto a luggage cart. "Hello Jane, it is so good to see you again. So, where is Maura?" Jane started pushing the cart toward the door "It's so good to see you again as well. Maura is at the hospital with Alice. We're going to drive over there now, because Cailin has performed some new tests and wants to meet with us." Jane quickly transferred the luggage into the back of her car and soon they were off for the hospital.

Jane knew her way around Boston like the back of her hand. She was a Boston native and combine this fact with the many years as a police officer and you can see why Maura said that Jane was better than any GPS. The hospital was close to Fenway so at this time of day Jane thought it best to take the harbor bridge and get on I-90 to avoid the city traffic. Jane wove through the traffic on the interstate with ease and quickly approached the Backbay and shot out toward the West end and Fenway. "Jane, when I'm driving with you I feel like I'm in a racecar." Jane just smiled "So Jane, Maura was saying, when we last spoke on the phone, that you were going back to the police force?" Jane rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Really, she said that? Well it's not really going back to the police force, it's a position as Protestant Chaplain and I would be on the Police Commissioner's staff. Also, I haven't decided whether to accept it." Constance replied "Maura made it sound like you were a perfect fit for the position, almost as if the position was created for you. Is there something about the position that gives you pause, something that Maura doesn't know?" Jane remembered that Maura always said that her mother was very perceptive, but also could be very blunt, now she was seeing what she means. "You're right, Maura doesn't know everything about the job." Constance glanced over at Jane "You look troubled, I am sorry if my questions disturbed you Jane, but from what Maura said I thought you were happy about the position and had accepted it." Jane responded " No it's not your question, it's what I haven't told Maura. As part of the position I would be asked to go on ride-alongs, actually accompany officers on patrol. I can't do that to Maura again. I can't have her sitting home waiting for the phone call that I've been shot. I mean how many times am I going to ask Maura to do this? After catching a glimpse of how bad she was hurt by my shooting, no I can't risk it. I won't hurt her like that again." Jane turned off the interstate and cut into local traffic, quickly veering onto a side street. Constance took in what Jane said " I really appreciate what you said, and the fact that you love my daughter so much that you would willingly sacrifice yourself for her. It's just that she blames herself for what happened to you, and if you give up this opportunity to return to the police force that she knows you love, well I feel she'll blame herself for that too." Jane made a hard left onto the street leading to the hospital. "Jane she wants you to be whole again, and I think she feels this will help you heal and then she can heal." Jane turned into the hospital and parked. "So, Constance, what you're saying is in trying not to hurt her, I am actually hurting her." Constance nodded "and you're hurting yourself. Talk to her about your feelings and your fears. She wants you to be happy, but Jane you need to let her in and include her on this decision." The sound of Chopin's funeral march filled the car. Jane smiled "speaking of the Queen of the Dead."

Jane and Constance exited the elevator and found Maura standing there waiting for them. "Hello mother. I hope you had a good trip." Constance walked over and kissed Maura on the cheek. "My flight was fine, and the ride out from the airport was enlightening." Maura thought that this was a very odd turn of phrase, but unfortunately there was no time to explore it. Maura looked at Jane, shot her a glance back that told her all she needed to know about the drive out from the airport. "They brought Alice back to the unit about half an hour ago. She looks fine, but I still haven't seen Cailin." Maura and Jane led Constance back to Alice's crib. Constance hadn't seen her granddaughter since she was born. "Maura, she's beautiful." As they were standing there Jane noticed Cailin walk onto the unit. "Maura, she's here." Cailin finished sending a text on her phone and walked over to be with Maura and Jane. Cailin smiled as she approached "Maura, Jane, I have some good news. After we had spoken, I decided to review Alice's case with a colleague to have the benefit of a fresh set of eyes." Maura was surprised "a colleague, a specialist of some sort?" Cailin smiled and choked back a slight laugh. "Well, I can certainly say she is a specialist, especially when it comes to her granddaughter." Maura was perplexed until she heard Hope behind her "didn't Cailin pass along my message? That if you needed anything you were to call immediately." Maura turned around to see Hope standing there with another doctor. "Hope, what are you doing..." Hope smiled "Here? Cailin wisely called me. My clinics overseas treat a significant number of pediatric spinal meningitis cases, and we have had considerable success in pioneering techniques to treat hearing loss that results from meningitis. Are you familiar with the recently published work of Dr. Juan Xavier Rodriguez, on correcting hearing loss do to cochlear damage, he was published in the New England Journal of Medicine?" Maura recognized the name, Kent had emailed a list of several recently published articles on meningitis to her earlier in the week and his article was at the top of his list. "Well Maura, I would like to introduce you to Dr. Rodriguez who just happens to be the director of our Latin American clinics. Coincidentally he was at Jons Hopkins for a lecture series so when Cailin called I asked Juan to fly up immediately." Maura and Jane didn't know what to say. Dr. Rodriguez continued "As I explained to Dr. Martin the success of our surgical intervention depends on whether the damage extended to include the inner ear. So the tests that she ordered were to determine if the inner ear was affected. Based on my review of the scans, and my own examination of your daughter, the inner ear is in tact and I think she is a prime candidate for our new procedure." Maura looked at Hope "new procedure?" Hope nodded "Dr. Rodriguez can restore her hearing." Dr. Rodriguez took a pen light out of the pocket of his lab coat and looked at Alice's ears again briefly "I want to perform the procedure immediately, successful intervention is contingent on a number of factors but the most significant being that the cochlear hasn't calcified into bone. So the sooner we operate the better her chances of having a near total restoration." Cailin walked up to Jane and Maura, "I didn't want to get your hopes up until we knew for sure, but this is her best option. If your okay with this I already reserved an operating theatre for later today." Maura began to cry " Jane, I'm okay if you're okay."" Jane hugged Maura "It's going to be okay, she's going to hear again. Cailin, thank you for everything. You have our permission to proceed with the procedure." Maura turned to Hope "Thank you." Hope hugged her, "I told you, anything."

Maura opened the door and turned on the lights in the foyer of their Beacon Hill home. Jane looked at Constance " I'm ordering some Chinese Food what would you like?" Constance glanced over at Maura "You two order something, I'm tired so I am going to go to sleep" Maura hugged her Mother "thank you for coming. I'll wake you for breakfast." Jane hugged her as well. Maura opened a bottle of wine and brought the bottle and two glasses into the living room where Jane was already sitting. Maura poured two glasses of wine and handed one to Jane " A toast! To Cailin and Hope, for saving Alice and restoring her hearing." Jane clicked her glass "To Cailin and Hope." She took a sip of wine and set her glass down. "Maura, our little girl is going to be okay." Maura just smiled "Jane did you see Cailin face when Dr. Rodriguez invited her to scrub in?" Jane laughed "Did you see Hope's face when she realized that Cailin was the Dr. Martin invited to scrub in, not her?" Jane sipped some more wine as Maura laughed. As the laughter faded away the two sat in an uneasy silence for a moment. It was obvious that both wanted to talk about the other issues between them but neither knew where to begin. Finally Maura broke the silence. "Jane, I am still going to resign my position as chief coroner. I want this time with Alice." Jane smiled "I think that's great, and if that's what you want to do, then I support your decision. You told me that you wanted to move, to a little New England village by the sea, is that something you still want? And be honest with me!" Maura nodded "of course I want to! Living by the sea, that's been a dream of mine for a long time. My question to you is what about your dreams? We're not just talking about my dreams but our dreams." Jane smiled "I am assuming you're referring to the chaplain position?" Maura nodded as she sipped some wine. " Jane hated talking about her feelings but she knew that she needed to be honest with Maura. "The position scares me. It's a staff position, but I would still be expected to go in the field, ride along on patrol. It's a remote possibility but I could get hurt again. I don't want to put you through that again." Maura looked into Jane's eyes "I want you to take the position. You need to do this for yourself. Am I going to be scared? Yes, I will be scared at times, but I want you to do this. I think your putting on the uniform again will give us both closure and in that sense is a way of healing some of the damage that has stayed with us, all these years." Maura sipped some wine and smiled "we've both been afraid to long." Jane thought about Maura's words "I'll speak with the bishop on Monday." Maura set down her wine glass and leaned over to Jane "besides you know how attracted I am to a particular girl in uniform." Jane smiled "Oh really?" They embraced and collapsed into a flurry of kisses.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven Epilogue "Jane's Sermon"

It was Sunday morning at Saint Andrew's parish and the deacon had just began reading the Gospel. As he announced the reading he marked the text by making the sign of the cross on the page of the lectionary,"The Holy Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ according to Saint Mark the fifth chapter verse 21 through 43" then signing his forehead, lips and heart. Maura stood in the congregation with a new sense of reverence, she had experienced the ritual of the Holy Eucharist many times, but today the words were alive and fresh as if they were speaking just to her. The previous readings from Lamentations, and the chanting of the Psalm that so spoke to her heart's own longing for healing, awakened in her a connection that she had not experienced before. These were not old dead words she was hearing but they were her words new and fresh rising from deep in the depths of her spirit connecting her to generation upon generation of women who have almost lost a child and had cried out to God in pain. Maura continued now with the response "Glory to you, Lord Christ" and then she listened as the deacon told the story of a parent who begged Jesus to travel to his house so that he may heal his daughter who was dying. As Jesus made his way through the crowd to reach the house a woman who had long been suffering reached out and touched his clothes, knowing that if she did she would be healed. Jesus stopped, and asked who had touched him, and finally the woman approached him and he affirmed that her faith had healed her. Yet now an apparent tragedy, a messenger from the house, the girl has died, but Jesus presses forward and despite people's doubts he heals the girl who rises from her sickbed. As the reading ended Maura couldn't help but see connections between her own recent experiences and the story in the Gospel. The verger led Mother Jane from her stall on the chancel, crossing past the altar to the steps to mount the high pulpit. Jane paused to solemnly bow to the altar as she passed, then she climbed the stairs and stepped into the pulpit. She looked out across the congregation and saw Maura standing with Constance, Cailin, and Hope. She glanced at her manuscript for a second and then offered a blessing and motioned for the congregation to be seated.

Maura watched with delight as Jane stood there in the pulpit dressed in her white alb with its lace trimmed sleeves and Benedictine knotted cincture topped of with her green concelebration stole. She wondered what Jane would say? The readings so spoke to her this morning, so she could only assume that Jane would have had a similar experience with reading these texts. Maura sat down and listened intently as Jane began Good morning. One of the differences between me and my colleague Canon Wells is that he always offers a theme for his homilies. Whereas mine seem to just ramble on until through the grace of God they seem to come to some kind of point. Well today In a departure from the ordinary I offer this theme from Psalm 130 "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning." Maura thought about the verse, the image of waiting, and the statement in his word I hope. She thought about the agony of having to wait, not knowing whether Alice would live or die, how hard it was to have hope in the face of such suffering.

Jane began by speaking about the Gospel and the hope that motivated the parent of the dying girl to speak out Jesus. Then she said "I learned a lot about hope this week, and it all started with a terrible cup of hospital coffee. That first night in the hospital was like being awake in a nightmare, I thought my Alice was going to die, and all I heard when I prayed was silence. Yet as I felt like I was ready to slip into despair, the hospital chaplain reminded me of the need to hold onto hope in God's essential goodness, and his love for us. This was something I had learned a long time ago during my own time in the hospitalization, when the woman I love gave me this cross as a token to never stop having hope in God's love." Maura was surprised with how vividly Jane had remembered that moment in the hospital. Maura knew that Jane always wore that cross and said it was because she had given it to her, but that she remembered all those details was shocking. What Jane didn't know was that Maura had just met with her physicians and had agreed to a Do Not Resuscitate/Do Not Intubate order. Jane continued"If we loose are hope we face sliding into despair. This is the arch nemesis of hope, for in despair there is no meaning to the suffering we experience and we are lost in an unending pain that seems not to strengthen are faith but to destroy." Maura thought of her own slip into despair, and the crushing pain she felt, along with the shame and guilt that left her isolated and alone. Then she heard Jesus say"Yet even in the midst of our despair God calls us to look beyond the evil and toward the good because that is where God is!" Maura mused, yes God is there, one just had to continue to look for the good! Jane continued "God is often found where you least expect to find him. God is the God of our ordinary experience and responds to us through the ordinary but he does respond though we need to be open for the response, which might not come in the form we're expecting." Maura looked over at Hope and Cailin and said Amen.

At the end of the service Maura stood next to Jane in the receiving line. Most of the members had heard that Alice was in the hospital, and were genuinely relieved to hear that she was expected to make a full recovery and return home next week. After the last person exited the sanctuary Jane and Maura were left alone with Canon Wells. "So Mother, have you decided?" Jane nodded "I'm calling the bishop tomorrow, and I am going to accept the position. The hardest part of this decision has been the thought of leaving Saint Andrew's." Canon Wells laughed "Well get that thought out of your head. I am going to fight to keep you here, instead of being put in residence at the cathedral. There is no reason they can't keep you here, where you're needed and loved." Jane gave her mentor a hug "thank you!" Canon Wells eyed Constance and Hope standing by the door. "So your family is waiting for you Mother, go get changed and enjoy the day! We'll talk on Tuesday." Jane hung up her vestments and then Jane and Maura walked up to Jane's office so she could finish changing. "Maura if you don't want me to take this position, just say so and we will be off for the village by the sea." Maura smiled "I know, but I can wait a few years, as long as I'm home with Alice. Now get out of your cassock and back into your clerics so we can go to brunch." Jane quickly changed into her suit "Maura can you help me with my cross? Maura smiled "Have I ever told you that I love this cross, and every morning when I help you put it on it gives me hope." Jane smiled knowingly.

The End

Author's note

I want to thank my readers who have taken the time to follow my stories, and to write. I wish I had the time to respond to each of you individually, but rest assured I have read your comments and I am taking your suggestions and critiques seriously and will incorporate some of these ideas in future stories. I am glad that so many people like Mother Jane, and are actually taking ownership of her. I can see this in the interest people have in her past, and the impact her new position may have on Maura. I have at least two more Mother Jane stories in the works (plus a few ideas knocking about) in one of these stories I am planning a series of major flashbacks to the shooting and the ICU, but I am considering the idea of actually writing the whole story starting with Jane and Maura's wedding at some point. Keep the questions and the ideas coming, I am glad people enjoy Mother Jane and I am happy to share her with you. As for the question of whether Jane will get back to her old detective ways, all I can say is stay tuned.

Peace,

Fr. Gene


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